Remember that last scene from Thelma and Louise, where they drive off the cliff, smiling and holding hands?
I feel like that except I’m alone and instead of a smile, I have tears, sorrow and am full of regrets.
They say crises will bring out the best and the worst in people, and maybe that’s true, except I can’t seem to find the best during this COVID pandemic. Just the worst.
People hoarding groceries and medical supplies.
People travelling then not self-isolating post travel.
People complaining (and threatening a College complaint) when their 3 or 6 month follow-up is postponed by another 4-6 weeks.
My children whining and screaming “I hate you” because I cancelled March Break vacation, I didn’t let them go see their friends and made still them do some sort of “homework” during their “time off”.
Friends of friends, calling up for “favors” (can I get them some gloves? Some masks? Can I call in a script that’s about to be expired?).
My ex-husband threatening to sue for me full custody because I’m “high-risk” to my children and my home is no longer a safe environment.
My husband complaining about everything.
I used to love my profession.
I used to love working, even if it meant several weeks at a time, on-call and/or in clinic, phone or text or emails always ready to be answered.
I used to love feeling needed by my family and my patients; but all I feel now is rage and resentment, and, of course, regret for feeling this rage and resentment.
I’m at a loss.
Doing all the “right stuff”; meditation and therapy.
Trying to practice “loving kindness” and “compassion” towards myself.
But I’m failing and I feel like I’m crashing down a hill and coming to the edge of a cliff.